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From the moment we entered this world as a bawling babe, we began the arduous search for our identity. Our parents initiated this process by naming us, then by dressing us according to our given culture. Our parents and older siblings taught us how to behave and act around other humans. In our relatively safe home environment our identity was fluid, and ill-defined. When we entered primary school, some of us established a protective identity right away, while others struggled a while longer to find theirs. For the late bloomers, the world seemed especially hostile. Without an identity that would qualify us for an existing clique, we turned inward, and tuned the world out. Our armor was our silence. We avoided the ruling elite, but remained watchful and alert for other outcasts. At this point, many but not all of us discovered the drug/drinking culture of the day, and began hanging out with "them" (hippies, freaks, heads, dopers, druggies, goths, what have you). In our remote past, an untamed world forced us into similar nomadic groups. We became capable of hunting large game, defending ourselves against predators, and holding our own with bands of hostile humans. In seeking a group to belong to, we were only doing what our DNA was telling us to do, what millions of years of evolution had programmed into us. These are the essentials of our survival. Our instincts have not gone away, and are not likely to any time soon. But some of these coping skills are no longer appropriate in our modern world, and create stress in situations when none is needed. In our unexpected misery we reached for drugs and alcohol. Voila! Not only did the drugs instantly change the way we felt, they helped us establish our group identity. The disease of substance abuse became integrated with our impulse to seek safety in numbers. In time, we noticed that some of our friends stopped using drugs, and drifted away from us to become responsible adults. Some of us clung to our old ideas and, either consciously or unconsciously, assumed a lifestyle that would allow us to indulge in our addictions. Some of us could pull off a "normal" lifestyle while fueling our addictions in secrecy. Whatever the case, the chemicals and/or behaviors we indulged in to feel good also gave us our identity, a sense of self. Reliving a "glorious" past on a regular basis strengthened this identity, and after a while our past became necessary to define us. Looking towards the future to some grand pay-off, no matter how extravagant, reinforced our identity by giving it a goal (even if we believed deep down that our chances of success were slim).
This Identity is a Construct of Our Mind It is not inevitable that we continue using drugs, alcohol, or other behaviors. But our carefully cultivated identity has made any other life-choice difficult to imagine. Addicts detest change, especially when that change involves becoming non-addicts. Because this identity is of our own making, it is an illusion. An illusion is a concept, entity or rule that exists only because a person or persons believe it. In other words, it is artificial. It is not an illusion that the sun rises in the west and sets in the east. That we must wear certain clothes, or live in a certain neighborhood, drive a certain car, or use substances and behavior to feel whole . . . these are illusions. When we identify and discuss these illusions in our meetings they eventually lose their power over us.
Our ability to define what is was critical in our early evolution. Without it we would not have survived. With it we identified potential threats from other humans. If they looked considerably different from us, our developing instinct told us they were from far away, and were competing for our finite natural resources. This scenario repeated itself countless times as we developed into "modern humans," and the lessons became hard coded in our DNA. While these hazards no longer threaten us, this relic survives today as prejudice, bigotry, willful ignorance, and hate. Compared to our ancient hunter-gatherer existence, our modern world is no longer threatening. In the ancient past humans had to deal with other aggressive humans, up close and personal, or risk being killed. We no longer deal with this threat, but in our over stimulated modern world our physical reaction is often the same. We pump more adrenalin and cortisone (the body's survival reaction to danger) into our bloodstream than was ever necessary, keeping our "label and identify" mechanism on high alert. This ability to detect danger kept us alive long enough to build cities and infrastructures and governments to protect us from ourselves. Evolution is clumsy, messy, and above all, time consuming. We do not measure its progress in decades or even generations, but in millions of years. The phrase "Survival of the fittest" describes evolution well, and also highlights why "surrender" is a difficult concept to grasp. Family trees of humans who "surrendered" to their enemies often became extinct. Our ancestor's very existence depended on the most brutal and violent methods of dominating their neighbors. So it comes as no surprise that the concept of surrender is quite alien to us. Its been bred out of us. Almost. The admonition "Don't give them power over you!" might be better stated in the following terms: Surrender is not an action, but an absence of action, a simple cessation of resistance and fighting. Surrender is passive, not reactive. Many of us have given up personal power to people, places and things because we share a communal illusion that we must acknowledge everybody, family, friends, even strangers, even if they are being abusive towards us. If we ignore them, we risk criticism (internal and external) for our rudeness. Our programming admonishes us for not "standing up" to them, or for not taking other appropriate action. With our insides churning, we find ourselves acquiescing to the situation, and perhaps even feigning politeness. We must remember that, however grudging our regard for this other person might be, we risk leaving the door wide open for an emotional predator to come in and make themselves at home in our lives (we might or might not notice whether they bother to wipe their feet first). By granting them access we validate their reasons for causing harm, and give them additional momentum to wreak additional havoc. It is most appropriate to mention now the ancient philosophy that Witches observe, known as the Rede of the Wiccae. While there are many versions of the Rede (which means "to give counsel to"), Doreen Valiente (1922-1999) authored some of the most popular forms. The essence of the Rede states: Eight words the Witches' Creed fulfil: --Doreen Valiente, Witchcraft for Tomorrow In explanation of the Rede, Valiente writes: "Witches do not believe that true morality consists of observing a list of thou-shalt-nots. Their morality can be summed up in one sentence, "Do what you will, so long as it harms none." This does not mean, however, that witches are pacifists. They say that to allow wrong to flourish unchecked is not 'harming none'. On the contrary, it is harming everybody." --Doreen Valiente, An ABC of Witchcraft Past & Present
With this in mind, we ignore our knee-jerk programming as best we can and eliminate destructive persons from our lives, firmly and resolutely. We might still react spontaneously to abusive people, even if we are fully aware that if we peel back a layer or two and take a closer look, we will find a simple idiot throwing a tantrum. Recovery means protecting ourselves from negative energy, whatever its source. We start by not acknowledging it. If we do not give this intrusion a label we will deprive it of the power to distress us. If we repeat this process consistently, a "guardian" thought form will manifest. In time it will become our constant companion, repelling all incoming negative energy before we are even aware of it. Another illusion is that language can describe everything in our perceived world, including the "flashes" of expanded awareness that we discover in our meditation practice. Once we have rid ourselves of this illusion we see that human languages, and the thoughts that drive them, are only useful to a point. True awareness, and serenity, is beyond language, and beyond thought. It simply is. To silence our inner "shouting match," we allow the people around us to be as they are, and the world we live in to be as it is, without debate. As used and defined within the PSR program, a Disorder (capital "D") is an addiction, or a combination of addiction, behavior, and mental disease, governed by a personality mechanism that justifies and rationalizes all behavior associated with it. It is the self-destructive part of you that hates the way you feel, and drives you to seek out instant but damaging pain relief in the form of substance abuse and behavior. For some, a Disorder may be alcoholism only. For others it is alcoholism, depression and OCD. Or other combinations of diseases. Using suffering as its chief weapon, the Disorder persuades us to indulge in whatever fuel it needs: alcohol, drugs, love, guilt, control of others, being a victim, rage, risk, sex. The list of possible fuel sources is endless. Whatever the definition of one's Disorder, PSR is a program of total abstinence. Even if you think drinking was the problem, and not pot or meth or X or something else, PSR is still a program of total abstinence. No drugs. No alcohol. No joke. Prescription medication, prescribed by a licensed physician, is excepted. And even then one must be careful and stay in close contact with a sponsor, especially with pain medication. If you think you can use recreational drugs and alcohol without a problem, and have no intention of remaining abstinent, PSR is probably not for you. Perhaps the Disorder is a mind made entity, or a result of our upbringing, or a biological aberration, a combination of both, or something else entirely. Sometime during our life, usually in adolescence, the Disorder determined key elements of our identity. How we look, who we associate with, where we live, our level of self confidence, if any. Since most of us can't imagine an existence without our identity, we also can't imagine an existence without our Disorder, no matter how much collateral damage we have sustained. This is an illusion the Disorder perpetuates in order to survive. Another illusion is that the Disorder doesn't exist. This manifests as the delusion that our addictive behavior is normal and acceptable. Rationalization drives us to develop a social circle of others with the same Disorder, further supporting the illusion of normalcy. In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, we usually choose not to see our Disorder. Yet another illusion is that the world is out to get us, and will do anything to prevent us from attaining our full potential as a successful, happy person. The more miserable we allow ourselves to be from this "injustice", the easier it is for the Disorder to manipulate our judgment, objectivity, and behavior. Deflating the illusions that support our Disorder is central to the recovery process. Our Disorder feeds on those constant, perpetual thoughts that race through our minds, and evolve into "shouting matches" that can only be silenced with fuel. These thoughts are seldom connected with our present moment, but with the past (memory) and the future (imagination). We know when our Disorder is in control when our past or future has become more real to us than our present moment. It thrives when we take pain and guilt from our past and project them into the future, destroying tomorrow before it has even begun. Thoughts are not truth. They are simply thoughts. We do not need to act upon them, or even believe them. But it is through our thoughts that the Disorder, the master of illusions, compels us to do what it needs to survive. A threat of more suffering "encourages" us to rationalize our actions. Then we believe these thoughts, and act upon them. The "morning after" arrives with more suffering. And the cycle continues. We have found it helpful in recovery to embrace some eastern meditation concepts. The "no-mind" of Buddhism is essentially the cessation of thought. When we stop thinking, we discover an alternative awareness, our "higher self." To stop thinking, we focus on what is going on in the present moment, by telling ourselves that the past is a memory, and the future is a fantasy. 12-step philosophy calls this cessation of thought "surrender." Surrender means to stop fighting. It is the absence of action; it is passive. And through no-action, we can discover the depth of awareness made possible through "no-mind." The PSR program refers to "no-mind" as one's Inner Divine. Finding this Inner Divinity is one of many steps we take toward establishing contact with a higher power (Outer Divine), and in turn, our overall recovery. This awareness of our "higher self" can arise spontaneously if we direct all of our thought to the present moment. Quietly, and without effort. Without labeling our environment, without defining it in anyway, without thinking. At first this awareness may take us to a neutral place. The "shouting match" has been silenced at least, and we experience simple serenity. Through meditation, magick and ritual we nurture this spiritual awareness. Soon we find ourselves slipping into a peaceful, or even ecstatic state. With practice this awareness becomes central to our identity, and eventually, if we follow the suggestions of the PSR program of recovery, a welcomed fixture of our daily lives.
In most 12-step recovery programs there is a common groupthink that we refer to as the "myth of sameness." It states that anyone with a substance abuse problem can successfully recover and drive their disease into remission, if they work the program and are absolutely honest about it. PSR honors the pioneering work done by A.A.'s founders, and the program they created, and regard Bill W. and Dr. Bob with the utmost reverence. They even had the wisdom to state, "Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little" (p. 164, 2001 edition of Alcoholics Anonymous). But today, many in A.A. consider the Big Book absolute gospel (and sometimes even Christian gospel at that), and resist any discussion concerning clearly outdated concepts, sometimes referring to these overtures as "stinkin' thinkin'" or "denial." Today we have effective drugs for the treatment of mental illnesses, such as bi-polar disorder (manic-depression) and uni-polar disorder (depression) that weren't even considered when the Big Book was written. We are discovering that mental emotional illness is playing an even greater role in substance addiction than ever suspected before. The program of Dual Recovery Anonymous began in 1989 in Kansas City, to address the issue of dual illness: a mental illness and a coexisting substance problem. These illnesses feed on each other, and often result in a disease worse than the sum of its two parts. DRA addresses both issues and encourages free discussion on topics such as medication, tolerance and dosage, which other 12-step programs forbid. Finally, something for those "unfortunates" who have been falling through the cracks since the founding of A.A. We believe that many persons in substance recovery have untreated mental illnesses, which can be kept in check, somewhat, with the application of 12-Step philosophy . . . most of the time. There are still suicides and relapses in individuals with long term sobriety (sometimes even multiple decades of clean time), and we feel that these mental illnesses, which are treatable with counseling and medications but are still greatly stigmatized within most 12-step programs, might be generating a form of suffering that is mostly "tuned out" in 12-Step meetings. In such cases, thorough and complete honesty in working the program is not enough for complete recovery and remission.
An alcoholic/addict has lost the ability to moderate. One drink or hit creates an obsessive craving for more. As the disease progresses, tolerance increases. They may be able to stop entirely for long periods, but this becomes increasingly harder to do. They become desperate for more and more as their ability to function at a job decreases. The substance becomes central to their life at the expense of family, friends, and career. Often they want to stop, but can't. We define hitting bottom as the level of pain one is willing to endure before doing something about it. The exact timing of "hitting bottom" can vary greatly. A "high bottom" is someone who catches the disease early, but has suffered enough to seek a solution. They still have their health, their marriage, their friends, their job. A "low bottom" is someone who has lost everything, and/or has come near death, either their own or someone else's. Or the bottom can fall anywhere in-between. The following self-test, modified by PSR, has been helpful for us. 1) Using (drugs and/or alcohol) leads to an uncontrollable craving for more 2). Thinking that all people use the same way, and that it is normal. 3) Using is affecting job performance or family relations. 4) Using on the job. 5) Blackouts (long memory gaps while intoxicated). 6) You keep hearing the bartender scream at you, "Go Home! We don't got no more fucking liquor!" 7). Using alone 8) Avoiding people and places that will interfere with using. 9) Using more than intended 10) Behavior becomes unpredictable once using begins. 11) Going to multiple doctors for the same "legal" drugs, and being dishonest about it. 12) Medicating the bad effects of one drug with another, or even the same one (i.e., the morning drink, or snort, or hit, or anything). There are more, of course, but this is a good start. If more than three or four of these items apply to you, you may very well have a substance abuse problem. 12-step groups that address these issues are Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, and others.
The "Marijuana Maintenance" Program Some alcoholics, especially newly sober ones, rationalize marijuana or other drug use because "its not alcohol," or it "wasn't the problem, drugs were." One of our members used psychedelic mushrooms with the rationalization that Bill W. was administered LSD by a psychiatrist in the 1950's, and recommended it for others (Bill later recanted this statement. See story Finding the Door at the Dawn of My Soul). Some of our members have indulged in this form of denial, but it is only our Disorder trying to sneak in the back door. Many recoverees have deluded themselves with the "Marijuana Maintenance Program," which usually leads to more agonizing forms of relapse. The opposite is also true. Drug addicts who substitute with alcohol soon find themselves in the same, or worse, condition. For the sake of your recovery, please don't repeat this mistake. Using is using, clear and simple, and has no place in anyone's recovery program.
Overeating is an uncontrollable urge to eat more than is healthy. Quoted with permission from the Overeaters Anonymous: 1) Do you eat when you're not hungry? 2) Do you go on eating binges for no apparent reason? 3) Do you have feelings of guilt and remorse after overeating? 4) Do you give too much time and thought to food? 5) Do you look forward with pleasure and anticipation to the time when you can eat alone? 6) Do you plan these secret binges ahead of time? 7) Do you eat sensibly before others and make up for it alone? 8) Is your weight affecting the way you live your life? 9) Have you tried to diet for a week (or longer), only to fall short of your goal? 10) Do you resent others telling you to "use a little willpower" to stop overeating? 11) Despite evidence to the contrary, have you continued to assert that you can diet "on your own" whenever you wish? 12) Do you crave to eat at a definite time, day or night, other than mealtime? 13) Do you eat to escape from worries or trouble? 14) Have you ever been treated for obesity or a food-related condition? 15) Does your eating behavior make you or others unhappy?
Only a licensed physician can diagnose this condition. Those suffering from this eating disorder are literally starving themselves to death. They are underweight, but are terrified of becoming obese. They obsess over foods, categorizing them as either safe or dangerous. This disease is usually diagnosed in teenaged girls, but can affect anyone. Food and weight are the visible issues, used to cope with deep-seated emotional disturbances. Again, only a licensed physician can diagnose this condition. This disease also occurs primarily in adolescent girls and young women, and is rarely found in men. Behavior includes episodic binge eating, or consuming large quantities of food in a short time, followed by sessions of purging through vomiting, laxative abuse, and excessive exercise. Bulimia is life threatening and requires urgent medical attention. AF is not widely recognized in the medical profession, even though it has been appearing in the medical literature for over a century. Symptoms of AF consist of: extreme difficulty in waking up in the morning, a feeling of exhaustion even after sleep, lethargy, salt cravings, and inability to deal with stress. In short, AF is a condition in which your adrenal glands are malfunctioning because of stress, diet, over consumption of caffeine, or combinations of all three. These glands are producing too much stress hormone in response to these stimuli, which the human body has not evolved or adapted to. Persons with AF have similar symptoms with Chronic Fatigue, and the two conditions may be related. Diet, exercise and a de-stressing one's environment are recommended. See the book Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st-Century Stress Syndrome by James L. Wilson, for a thorough examination of AF, and some excellent evaluation tools for this disease. Some PSR members have discovered that excessive caffeine consumption has contributed to their overall Disorder, and giving up or drastically cutting down on this drug has improved their health and mental outlook in ways they could not have imagined. Other PSR members consume this ubiquitous drug on a regular basis without trouble. Still others become homicidal at the thought not having their morning cup. Don't worry, fresh ground coffee is served at our meetings. Cutting back or quitting the bean is a personal choice. This said, anyone who consumes caffeine might want to give this some thought.
More and more people in and out of recovery are choosing to quit smoking. However, nicotine is one of the most difficult drugs to detox from. Many of our members have quit smoking, and include nicotine addiction as part of our overall Disorder. Other members smoke and have no intention of quitting; this is ok. In fact, quitting smoking in the first months of alcoholic and drug rehab is not especially recommended. But then, everyone makes their own choice, and there may be an overwhelming reason to quit tobacco along with everything else. Only a physician can diagnose psychiatric disorders. If you have been diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder PSR may be able to offer pagan oriented group support (but not medical treatment or advice). Unlike other groups, discussion of prescription drugs is not discouraged, provided they are being administered under a doctor's care. The 12-Step recovery program of Dual Recovery Anonymous is also designed for those with these, and substance abuse, disorders. Anxiety is necessary; it makes us cautious in dangerous situations, keeps us on our toes, and sharpens our senses when we need them the most. But in our modern world some of us have been over stimulated or traumatized, and our central nervous system has overcompensated by responding with too much anxiety.
Chronic fatigue syndrome, or CFS, is characterized by profound exhaustion that is not alleviated by bed rest. Other symptoms include weakness, impaired memory, insomnia, and lack of concentration. The exact cause of CFS is not known. In 1944, Viennese physician Hans Asperger published a paper describing mild autism in otherwise highly intelligent boys. Characteristics of this syndrome are deficiencies in social development, poor communication skills, aversion to change, and have a profound difficulty picking up on non-verbal clues. Their use of language is literal and often inappropriate in a social setting. From the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Fourth Edition (p.77): Diagnostic Criteria FOR 299.80 Asperger's Disorder A. Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following: 1. marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body postures, and gestures to regulate social interaction 2. failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level 3. a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interests, or achievements with other people (e.g. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people) 4. lack of social or emotional reciprocity B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following: 1. encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus 2. apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals 3. stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole-body movements) 4. persistent preoccupation with parts of objects C. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairments in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning D. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age 2 years, communicative phrases used by age 3 years) E. There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills, adaptive behavior (other than social interaction), and curiosity about the environment in childhood F. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia Sex is pleasurable, and powerful. Pagans believe that sex is sacred and should be enjoyed by both partners. We've worshipped the divine (and the manifest) nature of sex for tens of thousands of years. Pagans address sex openly; it is not shameful. From a medical (not moral) standpoint there is no "normal" amount of sex one should or should not enjoy, nor is there a "normal" sex drive level. And there is certainly no reason to stop having sex because we have grown old. Alas, for some it disappears after a certain age. Yet for others it gets better and better. And for those who indulge in the joys of solitary sex, there is no real danger in "overdoing" it. However. . . Like overeating, this basic human instinct can run amok and cause harm in one's life. Especially if sex becomes a substitute for other addictions, or was the addiction in the first place. Sex Addicts Anonymous is a 12-step program for those who want to change their sexual behavior, but cannot do so by themselves. Their website offers information and for those who are wondering if they have this problem. One might consider the possibility that some of these warning signs may be the result of an oppressive, moralistic childhood environment (Sex is dirty and something to be ashamed of). A taboo is not an addiction. Some denominations of Christianity and Judaism believe that sex is a wicked but necessary evil, to be suffered only as a means of procreation (the child sex scandal of the Catholic Church notwithstanding). This phobia can run in families. In our diverse culture one group may find the sexual practices of another to be perverted, unnatural, or even evil because it is different, and goes against their religious beliefs. Many of these people forget that we live in a free society, and self-righteously preside over issues that not only don't threaten them, but was none of their business in the first place. Pagans are often the victims of such ignorance. Whether overcoming puritanical guilt (passed down to future generations like cherished heirlooms) over the act of making love, or losing children to the courts because an estranged spouse made much of an "abnormal" lifestyle, negative thoughts can find their way into our self-evaluations process. When considering whether or not one is addicted to sex, pay close attention to these inner voices. Do they speak from the pulpit, or from your own inner divinity? Are you harming yourself and/or others with your sexual behavior? Does it progress from bad to worse over a period of time? Do you risk arrest in your pursuit of sex? If so then the disorder may be using sex to gain re-admittance into your life. As with any important recovery issue, discuss the matter openly with your sponsor.
Symptoms are mixed, and can range from the minor to the major. This disorder is characterized by sadness, irritability, inappropriate anger, and unexplained anxiety. Someone with depression can be withdrawn, avoid eye contact, speak little or with short syllables, be unable to concentrate or make decisions, and may have considered suicide. If so, please consult a physician before doing anything else.
A person suffering from bipolar disorder has dramatic mood swings, from being "high" to being "low" (depending on the form of this disorder), combined with normal moods. It usually begins in adolescence and continues through adulthood. Medications are readily available for this disease.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) Once known as "Multiple Personality Disorder," Dissociative identity Disorder (DID) is characterized by the presence of at least one "alter" personality that controls behavior. It is a coping mechanism, not a brain chemical problem. "Alters" emerge unpredictably and usually operate independently. Persons with DID sometimes do not have a clear picture of who they are. Once called multiple personality disorder, the American Psychiatric replaced the designation of MPD with DID. A person with DID may have an alter who will use, and another that doesn't; this can make working a 12-step program of any kind difficult.
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